How To Take Over The World In Five Easy Steps (real)(not clickbait)

A Very Real Guide by Mila

I don’t know why I’m sharing this with the blog. I’ve always intended to implement this plan one day and take what is rightfully mine back, but I guess it’s too snazzy not to share with the general public. (When I finally put my plan into motion, all of you can say ‘I TOLD you so!’ after my inevitable conquest.) Alright, here we go!

Step 1: Acquire magical power

This is actually the easiest step on this list. As for how you accomplish this: step 1 is to go to Neverland. To get there, find the second star on your right and go straight on till morning. Alternatively, you could use Google Maps. 

Once you’re there, hold the Fairy Queen Titania hostage (I’m 80% sure she’s from Neverland, if I somehow happen to be wrong about that, just locate the closest magical being) and threaten her with garlic until she tells you the secret to magical power (namely, the Power of Persuasion, which allows you to convince anyone of anything using just words. Great skill to have.)

Step 2: Convince the POTUS you should be in charge

Now that you have the PoP in your arsenal, this should be easy as well. Get to the POTUS by texting your friends this, verbatim:

“UFO SIGHTING! There are aliens on our planet! [insert president name], what are you doing about this? The president should be answerable to the public! Send this to 15 friends so it reaches the POTUS and we can finally get some answers. If you are [president name], contact us at [your phone number here].”

Congrats, you’ve started a chain mail epidemic. Thanks to your newly unlocked skill, all your friends are forced to do this (likely while shaking their heads and wondering what is wrong with them). 

As for the issue of spam calls, make whatever magical creature you threatened in step 1 filter out all calls that aren’t the president. Now that you have the world’s power within your reach, you have no need of any other calls, even from those you know. It’s time to shed the old and come back stronger.

Anyway, one of the acquaintances of your acquaintances of your acquaintances of your acquaintances of… you get the point is BOUND to know the POTUS. All you have to do after that is convince them to abdicate the throne presidency and give the seat of power to you!

Step 3: Start a nuclear war

Press the red button. (Actually, make someone else press the red button. If you press it, people will get mad at you, and we don’t want that. You need to stay discreet.)

As for where to aim your nuclear missile, just choose somewhere. It doesn’t matter. Point is to keep all the other countries in the world too distracted by the imminent nuclear threat to pay too much attention to you specifically. Also, you can get rid of some buildings and factories - less risk of a coup when you take over if countries don’t have the resources to stage any kind of large-scale uprising.

Step 4: Divide and Conquer

Tell the British that the French think their accent is pretentious. Tell Russia that Rhode Island’s planning an invasion. Tell Greenland that Iceland’s judging their climate. (Oh, that last one’s good.) It’ll only take a few days for people to start declaring war (on each other, of course). 

Once they’ve depleted their resources on each other, it’s easy to just march in and take over. (Otherwise, it would be a tedious waste of time to find and convince every high-ranking official of your new power. If they’re all dying in wars, it’s simpler.)

Step 5: Try not to die

Of course, during this process, assassins will constantly be attempting to take you out. You should take appropriate measures to protect yourself against this. The best way to go about it is by keeping a speaker on your person at all times, blaring the words “You don’t want to kill me.” Simple. Foolproof.

The world is yours!

Invade, take over, control, the world is yours! Now make it a better place. 

That is your goal….. right?